Product Review: Pedometers

OK, I'm going to set the scene for you: on Monday nights a good friend of mine and I have been attending a 10-week workshop designed around the premise of "creating sustainable communities" and touting such claims as "participants who attend the course are experiencing, happier, healthier, more responsible and positive lifestyles". With that calibre of hype - who of you would stay away?!

Anyway, it's not exactly living up to my wildest fantasies. In fact, last Monday we sat through three hours of the "transport" topic. We learned such groundbreaking things as there is a website called 131500.info that you can visit to plan your trip on public transport! (in case you're not from around Sydney, you need to know about this website in order to survive... it's like a prerequisite for LIFE1001) Also - you can catch a bus instead of driving... WOW! My universe is turning upside down etc. ANYWAY this blog is not a flog, so for the purposes of this post suffice it to say I was understimulated.

However, the good news is - in an attempt to encourage us to walk more (instead of burning fossil fuels) they gave us free frickin pedometers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way to woo me!!!!!!!

So... I now have my very own shiny new sweet action pedometer to love on **SQUEAL** is the the frickin bomb. Oh yes, my life has changed forever....... or so I thought*

That's right people, Monday night I could hardly sleeep with the anticipation of getting up and strutting about town with my stylish little step counter clipped onto the top of my pants. No I don't think you understand: I was literally bursting to get out and take steps. It was totes going to make me FIT and like, lithe and nubile and desirable!!!!!!! oh yes! Pedometer LURRRRRVE!!!!!!!!

Anyway, my hopes and dreams for everything good in the world were dashed against the rocks like a Psalmist's child when the damn thing recorded a step for every nuanced movement I made. lean to one side: that's a step. turn around: that's a step. bend over: that's a step. Get off the bus: there's 1429 new steps there that weren't there before. Pedometer? More like jiggleometer! My wonderful housemate tried to console me by telling me that jiggling still burns calories but that's not the point! The thing is specifically marketed as a step counter, so that's what I frickin expect it to do, OK? And on the subject, why is it even called a pedometer? I thought the prefix "ped" was reserved for kiddyfiddling terms!

Anyway, back to my previous point, this was all terminally annoying, but the real slap in the face came when I sat down and racked up no less than TEN STEPS. All I did was place my bottom on a seat! OK, to be fair I am classed as "the infirmed" right now (i.e. I have a sore back) and am practising a new, more "correct" sitting technique - but that's no excuse!!! In fact, that's discrimination! My jiggleometer is a disableist!!!!

So, the moral of the story is: Pedometers - don't get one.

* totes check out my use of this sweet action literary device a la Stranger than Fiction for your enjoyment.